On the fence..

I wrote a few weeks ago about Jaxon's fevers. Still no word yet from Children's. When I took him in for blood work we discovered that he had a viral infection that caused his tonsils to swell (& other gross things I won't discuss) so Dr. Harvey thinks that is why he had the fever. We had low grade fever Friday and Saturday morning, but nothing that made my mommy alarms go off since he had field day at school on Friday and a slight sunburn. Back to himself since Saturday night-bouncing off the walls and all! The last day of school for Jax and Landen is June 7th. I have to say, I am (and Avery too!) pretty excited about summer this year. I am more active than I have been in a long time. The kids are older so I can actually take them places like the zoo and the park without having to carry around a baby seat.

We are also planning our first family vacation! YAY!! Originally I wanted to go to the beach....DESPERATELY. I have not been since 2003 and my dream for the longest time has been to build sand castles with my children on the beach. Derek was not as excited about the beach...more so about the long trip it would take us to get there. His idea of a fun vacation is not spending 13 hours on the road with 3 kids. I understand... it would definitely be chaotic. There more I started to think about it the more I realized that sitting on a beach right now would not be that fun for me either. That would involve a swimsuit. YIKES. I have been wearing a maternity swimsuit for a few years now because it covers me up. There is no part of me that wants to sit on a beach at this size. Maybe next year. We decided on Branson. Silver Dollar City, Joe's Crab Shack, Shopping....and a 2 hour drive! Bring it. The Wever's are ready!

Going back to my weight...The Biggest Loser is casting in Dallas in July, among other cities. My dad told me before casting even began that he really wanted me to audition again. That he believed I could make it. That I need to try again. I have been on the fence. I so want the opportunity. I just feel like every time I have gotten closer and closer...and that I am not good enough. I am not pretty like Sarah Nitta and Jennifer Rush, and I am not rude like Conda. I am strong, and friendly, and encouraging....and I will totally spit fire when needed. But pretty? Nope. Isn't that what they are looking for? I just want to fix what's broken in me. Do I need a TV show to do it? Absolutely not. But the part of me that has a huge heart and wants to help everyone around me...that part of me that those closest to me love...that part of me is saying "GO FOR IT KAILEY! You can teach other people what you learn!" I saw today that Holland will be one of the casting directors in Dallas. Um, if you can't tell from all my previous posts...she is my FAAAAVORITE! You can tell when people have a passion for their job..and she just does. Even if I never get chosen for a show (which i am 99% sure is my fate) then I am glad that I have gotten to see someone do something in a career they actually like and have a heart for...resulting in lives changed. I hate this feeling of should I go or not. I know..it seems silly! Just go, Right?! It's such an emotional process to put yourself out there after driving so long. And my dad...Bless his heart. He is my biggest supporter. I feel like not getting chosen makes me a disappointment to him. But WHAT IF I DID?! Good Grief...the thought makes my heart race. As of today I am praying for some kind of sign that I should go....Its still 6(ish) weeks away. So, we will see.

Here we go again...

I know, I know...I haven't posted in four months. Sorry! As you can imagine, life has been hectic. I am going to school FULL time, taking care of these beautiful babies, and being a wife. I am a busy lady, to say the least. So WHY am I posting now? Because I need to vent..and this is the best way that I know how. Maybe I should make this one private...but then again...this is meant to share exactly what my thoughts are.

Jax has fevers again. I started noticing them again a couple of months ago, and my mommy alarms went off-but I told myself that I am just being overprotective, because I am REALLY good at that. But this morning his was laying at the foot of my bed just wimpering...and my feet were really hot. I knew immediately that this was another fever. It doesn't make sense...his last one was 2 or three weeks ago. If this TRULY was PFAPA then the fevers would not start coming back. SO-this morning I have been on the phone with Dr. Harvey's office and Arkansas Children's Hospital.

ACH says that we need to go in TODAY and get blood work done. I have to start ANOTHER fever log of every little symptom that my baby has. My God, I am writing this blog through tears. How did we end up back here?! WHY is this happening to MY baby? Is God mad at us? Have I not been a good enough mommy to Jax? This isn't fair! He is just a sweet, intelligent, amazing, ball of 6 year old energy. My heart is breaking right now for what we are about to have to go through...AGAIN. He hates needles, just like me. Doesn't God know that? Why is he making him be a pin cushion again?? WHY? I am trying so hard to keep positive and understand that my God has a plan for everything, but right now I am just..mad. I don't want to be mad- I want to be the pillar of strength for my son and my family. I know that I have to dig down deep, because the last thing that Jaxon needs right now is to see me upset. HE looks to ME for strength, and if mommy isn't scared then HE isn't scared. I just do not understand. Everything got better...what s going on in his little perfect body?

Please keep my sweet, precious boy in your prayers.