"Are you there God? It's me again, Kailey...."

Have you ever felt like if O.N.E. more thing goes wrong that you just might lose your marbles? Join the club. The last month has been a little bit of a roller coaster. 

Out of the blue, my new (to me) van started messing up, followed by Derek's car (mustang)...days apart, mind you. Back in February we bought a 4-door Taurus with the intention of it being for Derek. THREE days later, on our way to Avery's birthday party the engine blew. So the car has been sitting in our driveway until we were ready to get it fixed. Derek finally decided to sell the mustang that he has been driving when  the clutch went out...got the Taurus to the shop, paid for it to get fixed, only to get a phone call that what we THOUGHT was wrong is actually only a small part of the problem. We are currently waiting to see if it can be fixed without costing us another $800. So, we are back to being a one car family, with D bumming rides to work, which is really frustrating for him. 

On top of this, the landlords foreclosure of the duplex we live in has started to move forward after being on hold for awhile...meaning we have to move...nowish. By the way...in this area, there are NO HOUSES for rent under $800/m with three bedrooms. It is INSANE. Why is it so dang difficult?! When did the rental prices for homes go up so much in this area?? The plan is to move the week of September 10th, so I have a lot of packing to do...and a lot of searching to do for a new home. :-/ I am also finishing up classes at UOP, and starting back at NWACC on Monday. This, I am super excited about. I have wanted to go back for a while but had to file an appeal, which was granted. Lets just say that NWACC is MUCH cheaper than UOP.

 All of these "life stressors" and then Sunday night happens....

We had a really good weekend. Not too stressful, fun, hanging out with some friends, a BBQ...and the kids were actually not too rowdy. Avery had a lit bit of a fever Sunday night, so I figured that she was getting an ear infection, because she is rarely feverish. We put everyone to bed, Derek and I talked for a little while and then he went to sleep and I went into the living room to watch T.V. Around 12 Avery started crying so I gave her some more Tylenol and she asked for Derek, so I took her in our room and I went back to the living room. The boys have this metal bunk bed, and when they move around it make a pretty distinctive sound. Around 1:00, maybe a little before it started storming...but soon after I heard this LOUD  banging against metal...the sound was fast and REALLY hard. It was loud enough to wake Derek up from his snoring in the back of the house.I immediately jumped up, but tripped over the blanket in my lap at the same time that hear D barreling down the hallway towards the boys room. 

When D walked in Landen was laying down, with his eyes open and his arms kind of stiffly in the air and shaking a little back and forth. He kept saying "Lando! Are you alright, buddy? Landen?" It was like he wasn't even awake, but he kind of was. After a couple of minutes of Derek saying "What's your name, buddy? Do you know where we are? How old are you?" Lando finally answered "Laaaaannnnden," held up 5 fingers, and kept saying "I want to go home. I want to go home!" which we thought was odd. We kept saying "Buddy, you are in your room! See, bubby is sleeping on his bed. You are on your bunk bed buddy, in your robot room. Did you have a bad dream?? We are right here buddy"....thinking that if we assured him he would realize where he was. We stayed in there for about ten minutes watching him as he...fell back asleep? Woke up?? I'm not quite sure. I kept asking D if I should call Kids Care, which is the triage for Dr. H, but I tend to over react so we decided against it. It kind of seemed like a night mare...but a REALLY strange one. While we watched him his little hands were on the outside of his black comforter, so I could see his pale skin really well. I noticed that his hands were trembling every few seconds. Derek took him to bed with him while I turned off everything. To say we had a long night was an understatement.

Monday was such a crappy day in general. We were tired, Avery was sick, Jax had a runny nose and was cranky, and Landen was tired too. I got Avery in to see the NP, Julie, at 11:15. Derek and I were obviously thinking the same thing, because he called me and said "Please talk to them about Lando." Julie checked Ave, who has an ear infection AND Strep, and Jax, who also had strep, and Landen, who was fine. I asked her about the night before and if we should be worried. She came back in with his chart and did some tests with him, and then asked us questions "Has he had any behavior changes? What are his sleeping patterns like? Has anything like this ever happened before? Has he ever had a head injury?"

I answered her questions in order. "Landen has always been a really easy kid, until he started Pre-K. He has always been good natured and even in preschool he was always his teachers favorite because he was so sweet. Around the time that he started pre-k he became pretty stubborn and sometimes agitated...but we have thought that was just his age. He was the youngest in his class..." Then, his sleeping pattens, "He has always been my best sleeper! He will say 'I'm tired' and go to bed on his own, before the other kids. He sleeps a little later too. Sometimes he's a little hard to wake up, but that's just Landen. He wakes up crying sometimes like he is having nightmares, sometimes crying. Sometimes he sleepwalks...and he ends up in our bed a lot. He's always been pretty clumsy, but I can not think of a head injury...just normal little boy bumps or scraped knees. I'm just a little worried because we have never seen anything like last night."

Then she drops this bombshell on me. "It could have been night terrors, but it also may have been a seizure. He's got some other things going on that could be symptoms of that.. just so we can find out, I'm going to send you to Children's in Lowell for a Sleep-Deprived EEG of his brain. It's going to be a little rough, because you will have to keep him up all night and then take him in. This will tell us if he's had seizures. If so, we will refer you to a neurologists." 

Wait, what?? Children's? We just got done dealing with Children's for Jax. His brain? What could be wrong with his brain?! He's ornery, but he is SO smart. Wait..think Kailey...HAS LANDO EVER HIT HIS HEAD? No. He hasn't. Wait..what about that time that he hit his eye on the corner...was that hard enough to cause him a head injury?! He's fallen a lot because he is so clumsy. Could this be a reason that he is so clumsy? Did I miss something? What if what we thought were nightmares were something more, like last night? Did we miss something? How could I not know something was going on? Are you there, God? Protect my son! Are you REALLY going to make us go through something scary again! OK..calm down. First of all, get the kids out to the car and call Derek. 

 At this point, I feel a bit like I am just going through the motions. I get home and the same thoughts just keep repeating themselves....and this is now day three. We keep putting Landen in our room so that we can watch him for anything abnormal. I have researched seizures in children and even watched a few videos. I'm not sure if this was a good idea or a bad idea. Seeing videos of other children having seizures at night.....this could easily be a video of Lando...it looks EXACTLY like what he has done many times. A lot of what we have read make us think that so many things that we thought were "just Lando"... aren't. The nightmares, his jerking suddenly, which we attributed to his dreams, his behavior change...his clumsiness. What if it has all been signs of something and we just never put it together?? How could we miss something like this? Is he going to be OK? Is God hearing me? Does he have a plan to protect him? Right now we are just waiting for an appointment...and praying....and worrying. So...are you there God? Do you hear me? 

On the fence..

I wrote a few weeks ago about Jaxon's fevers. Still no word yet from Children's. When I took him in for blood work we discovered that he had a viral infection that caused his tonsils to swell (& other gross things I won't discuss) so Dr. Harvey thinks that is why he had the fever. We had low grade fever Friday and Saturday morning, but nothing that made my mommy alarms go off since he had field day at school on Friday and a slight sunburn. Back to himself since Saturday night-bouncing off the walls and all! The last day of school for Jax and Landen is June 7th. I have to say, I am (and Avery too!) pretty excited about summer this year. I am more active than I have been in a long time. The kids are older so I can actually take them places like the zoo and the park without having to carry around a baby seat.

We are also planning our first family vacation! YAY!! Originally I wanted to go to the beach....DESPERATELY. I have not been since 2003 and my dream for the longest time has been to build sand castles with my children on the beach. Derek was not as excited about the beach...more so about the long trip it would take us to get there. His idea of a fun vacation is not spending 13 hours on the road with 3 kids. I understand... it would definitely be chaotic. There more I started to think about it the more I realized that sitting on a beach right now would not be that fun for me either. That would involve a swimsuit. YIKES. I have been wearing a maternity swimsuit for a few years now because it covers me up. There is no part of me that wants to sit on a beach at this size. Maybe next year. We decided on Branson. Silver Dollar City, Joe's Crab Shack, Shopping....and a 2 hour drive! Bring it. The Wever's are ready!

Going back to my weight...The Biggest Loser is casting in Dallas in July, among other cities. My dad told me before casting even began that he really wanted me to audition again. That he believed I could make it. That I need to try again. I have been on the fence. I so want the opportunity. I just feel like every time I have gotten closer and closer...and that I am not good enough. I am not pretty like Sarah Nitta and Jennifer Rush, and I am not rude like Conda. I am strong, and friendly, and encouraging....and I will totally spit fire when needed. But pretty? Nope. Isn't that what they are looking for? I just want to fix what's broken in me. Do I need a TV show to do it? Absolutely not. But the part of me that has a huge heart and wants to help everyone around me...that part of me that those closest to me love...that part of me is saying "GO FOR IT KAILEY! You can teach other people what you learn!" I saw today that Holland will be one of the casting directors in Dallas. Um, if you can't tell from all my previous posts...she is my FAAAAVORITE! You can tell when people have a passion for their job..and she just does. Even if I never get chosen for a show (which i am 99% sure is my fate) then I am glad that I have gotten to see someone do something in a career they actually like and have a heart for...resulting in lives changed. I hate this feeling of should I go or not. I know..it seems silly! Just go, Right?! It's such an emotional process to put yourself out there after driving so long. And my dad...Bless his heart. He is my biggest supporter. I feel like not getting chosen makes me a disappointment to him. But WHAT IF I DID?! Good Grief...the thought makes my heart race. As of today I am praying for some kind of sign that I should go....Its still 6(ish) weeks away. So, we will see.

Here we go again...

I know, I know...I haven't posted in four months. Sorry! As you can imagine, life has been hectic. I am going to school FULL time, taking care of these beautiful babies, and being a wife. I am a busy lady, to say the least. So WHY am I posting now? Because I need to vent..and this is the best way that I know how. Maybe I should make this one private...but then again...this is meant to share exactly what my thoughts are.

Jax has fevers again. I started noticing them again a couple of months ago, and my mommy alarms went off-but I told myself that I am just being overprotective, because I am REALLY good at that. But this morning his was laying at the foot of my bed just wimpering...and my feet were really hot. I knew immediately that this was another fever. It doesn't make sense...his last one was 2 or three weeks ago. If this TRULY was PFAPA then the fevers would not start coming back. SO-this morning I have been on the phone with Dr. Harvey's office and Arkansas Children's Hospital.

ACH says that we need to go in TODAY and get blood work done. I have to start ANOTHER fever log of every little symptom that my baby has. My God, I am writing this blog through tears. How did we end up back here?! WHY is this happening to MY baby? Is God mad at us? Have I not been a good enough mommy to Jax? This isn't fair! He is just a sweet, intelligent, amazing, ball of 6 year old energy. My heart is breaking right now for what we are about to have to go through...AGAIN. He hates needles, just like me. Doesn't God know that? Why is he making him be a pin cushion again?? WHY? I am trying so hard to keep positive and understand that my God has a plan for everything, but right now I am just..mad. I don't want to be mad- I want to be the pillar of strength for my son and my family. I know that I have to dig down deep, because the last thing that Jaxon needs right now is to see me upset. HE looks to ME for strength, and if mommy isn't scared then HE isn't scared. I just do not understand. Everything got better...what s going on in his little perfect body?

Please keep my sweet, precious boy in your prayers.

Happy New Year!

It's a new year! Thank you Jesus. It means new goals ( I refuse to say resolutions because we ALL break them) new chances, and a fresh start. A lot of people were excited to bid adieu to 2011...I can HONESTLY say that it wasn't as bad as 2010. Along with that I can say that I am welcoming 2012 in hopes that everything gets even better for us than it was. We are going to have ups..and downs. Its seems like my down..contuniously..is battling my weight. I am SOOOOOO over blogging about it. I almost don't want to post my own goals here...but I will, because I want to hold myself accountable.

1.) I have decided to get on phentermine. GASP. I know, I know. I'm not having much sucsess any other way so bring on the help.
2.) Stay on target, don't rely just on medicine to lose it.
3.) EXERCISE. remember how good this feels even when it hurts. Pain is temporary-heatlh is important.
4.) Find a way to make it to the Biggest Loser Resort. I should have put this as my number one goal...this would, by far, outweight any weightloss pill.

The next couple of months will be super busy. We have so many changes coming. We have to move, since the Landlord filed bankruptcy on our home and it is going back to the bank. Searching for a new home is proving quite difficult and stressful. I want to move to Bentonville..better schools for the kids, and I feel like Rogers is becoming run-down. Maybe its the neighborhood we currently live in. Either way I'm not impressed with the school system and want the kids out ASAP. We plan on moving in the next month, so prayers on finding a new home that fits our needs are much appreciated. Its almost tax time, which is always a blessing, so I will FINALLY have a vehicle again, and be able to return mama's to her. WAHHHOOOO! Let's see...what else? I turn 27 this month. Blah. I'm not looking forward to this. I want to accomplish so much before I'm 30 and the time is just flying by. I start school on the 16th. I'm pretty excited about this. I feel like it gives me something to work at and learn from. Bring it on. I'm ready to have communication with other adults.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and I pray that your 2012 is filled with blessings. :-)

Brr..its getting a little windy.

Time for my October blog. I started writing one before but seriously JUST noticed that most of it was cut off. Whoops.

I LOVE fall. I love the weather, I love the cheap activities and I love the scenery. What I don’t love? The stress. I feel like fall is automatically a stressful time of year for us. It’s always a time when things just get hard. Period. The weather changing with the seasons means that the kids need new sizes in their wardrobe. Let’s face it…that’s just part of being a parent. How do you balance new shoes, clothes, and bills with everything else? Ugh. Stressful. This is financially a hard time for us. That’s not a secret. Am I complaining? No. Just writing. Sometimes it’s better to write for me than it is to hold it all in. Christmas is coming too. Oy..I don’t EVEN want to touch that subject yet. That stress will, I’m sure, build up. This is a part of life. You have bills, you have wonderful babies to support, you love, you encourage, you trust HIM. Again, I’m not complaining, but I can’t tell you how many times people go “you just can’t catch a break, can you?” It’s TRUE!! It is one thing after another…and another. Again..its life. I’m so so thankful for the friends and family that are in our lives. Sometimes it’s the words of wisdom or the kind hearts that really pull us through.  Ok enough venting.

We went to Little Rock on the 3^rd to take Jaxon back to Children’s Hospital. I thought that this visit would be better. It wasn’t. Unfortunately Derek couldn’t go with us because he couldn’t afford for him to miss work. The plan was for my mother in law, Traci to go with Jax and I and drive down in her car, while Beth watched the younger two. Fast forward to the morning of. I got a text that Beth was sick. Poor seester! Derek didn’t want me to take the little two because it would have been insane. SO, his boss let him leave at lunch so he could keep the little ones. BIG paycheck dent. BOO! So Traci, Jax, and I drove down to Little Rock. THANK GOD that mama and Traci paid for the gas down there! Stress reliever much? We ended up getting there late, just a little, but hey, we made it safely! We got right in, and saw Dr Harik. With all the crazy scheduling at home and the steering cable in mama’s car broken for a little while I couldn’t get Jax to the Dr office during his fever cycle for his blood work. How nice it would be to have a vehicle that was OURS and didn’t breakdown. I wonder what that’s like. Still extremely grateful that mama is letting us borrow hers! Blessing. Back to the visit. Jaxon’s fevers are USUALLY every 16 to 17 days. Its usually clockwork. So Dr Harik wanted to see if his blood work levels showed any signs of inflammation during non cycles. If he DID have inflammation then we would get referred to a Rheumatologist. SCARY. She said that if there was inflammation then we would most likely be looking at things like juvenile rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. It took every single ounce of my strength not to break down in front of my baby. She also explained that it was SUPER important to get the blood work done during his next cycle. Jax had blood work done in LR and we left with a new appointment date (Nov. 7^th) and them saying that we would get a phone call soon with the results. That night and the next morning I was super emotional, not crying but just anxious waiting. Just knowing that the results from that one set of blood work could change my son’s life was a lot for me to take in. To be blunt, it sucked. NO parent should experience this. When I DID get the phone call I was thrilled to learn that Jax had no high levels of inflammation, which means no lupus or JRA.THANK YOU JESUS! I lost it. I cried on the phone with the nurse, I cried talking to Derek, my parents…everyone. All the fear that I had been holding just flowed out in tears. I was more terrified than I realized. Now, what does this mean? It means that we are most likely looking at PFAPA. This is great news. Treatable. Frustrating? Yes, for my baby. It’s so rare, but hey..it could be so much worse. I thank God that it went this way and not in way that could have changed his life forever. Our God has a plan. I have no idea what it is. I trust him..everything has happened in the last couple of years for a reason. It’s so random though, because Jaxon HAS NOT developed a fever since we left ACH. He should have had a fever around Oct 7^th. It still hasn’t hit. So now it’s kind of like we are just waiting. Dr Harik said that because his fever cycles have been getting shorter and closer that we may be coming to the end of PFAPA..especially since it only lasts till age 7 and Jax is less than a year away from that. YAY!

So that’s October for now. We had a trip to the pumpkin patch on Saturday so I’ll upload pictures from that in a couple of days.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support for our family. It truly means the world to us!

Hello October..

Fall is my FAVORITE time of year. Hands down. I love the chilly weather (hey..a big girl can always put on layers...we cant take them off), the pumpkins, the colors, the smells. I just LOVE it. In years past, though, fall has been a difficult time. I don't want to live in the past, but I always get anxious...like waiting for something crazy to happen.

Today I spent most of the day cleaning. I did this to keep my mind busy...I am definately my mother's child. I've got so much on my mind. Bills..of course. Why wasn't I born rich? I always tell people.."I'd be really good at it." Its true. I would invest, buy a house, a BRAND NEW CAR (well 2) since I have never had anything newer than a 2001 vehicle and put myself through college.

a starting point I guess...

I auditioned for The Biggest Loser, as you know. I also received a coveted “call back”…kind of. Holland called me on my way home from the audition, but I missed the call because I had spotty cell service. Funny, only because I LITERALLY kept my phone in my hand the ENTIRE drive home. Which, by the way, St Louis is NOT 3 hours away, like I was told. It was 5. I’m just saying. So while I prayed the entire way home for a call back – and then saw on twitter and Facebook that all of the call backs were made I walked in the door, threw my stuff down, decided that I was NOT going to cry. Daddy hugged me and he went home too…both of us disappointed. I went to bed and checked my voice mail one last time juuuust in case. Nothing. At all. Tossed my phone down and didn’t even bother plugging it in because I was just…sad. The next morning- Sunday- when I woke up I plugged in my dead phone and it immediately showed a voice mail. I thought “That’s mama, making sure we made it back ok. I’ll check it and call her after I do some laundry since it’s early.” So I did my laundry…and then I checked my voicemail. You can imagine my surprise when I heard the angelic (yes, I just said angelic) voice of Holland “Master Caster” Weathers. I knew when I heard “Heeey, Kailey” who it was. I immediately started shaking. HOLLAND FREAKING WEATHERS CALLED ME! I had to play the message again only because I didn’t believe what that it was real. She asked me if I had any potential partners, and said she would get back to me. Ok-picture this- I am in my pajamas, it is about 7:45 on a SUNDAY morning, everybody in my house is sleeping, and I just start SCREAMING with excitement. I couldn’t help myself…its like the sounds just came out and I had NO control over my own voice. Weird, right? So everybody in my house wakes up going “What is wrong?”  My kids start jumping up and down when I tell them that Ms. Holland called mommy. Yes, they know who she is! We kind of pray for the biggest loser. :-/ I explain to Derek what she said and HE says “Did she ask you for an interview?” Well crap. Nope she didn’t. This is why I say a “kinda call back.” I immediately called daddy since he has been my biggest supporter and he was dressed and at my house ready to go back to St Louis “just in case” in less than an hour. Bless his heart. Later after I didn’t hear back from her he said “KK, Are you SURE that was Holland that called you and not somebody that knew you were auditioning playing a trick on you?” I had to reassure him that I had watched enough of the casting tips videos to know her voice and that no one was that mean. I actually didn’t even hear anything back from her until a few days later when she asked for a video. So sent in my video…have a few views. I actually emailed to ask if it worked because I thought maybe it didn’t work because it looked like it had been viewed a few times…but I’m new to YouTube so I didn’t know for sure. Right after I sent the email….like 10 minutes later the Biggest Loser casting page ( @BLCASTINGTEAM) tweeted something along the lines of they are busy and please don’t email. GULP. I’m an idiot. A desperate, praying, big fat idiot. I felt HORRIBLE and immediately tweeted Holland that I was guilty and very sorry. I hope she forgave me. HA! That was two weeks ago-ish. So NOW I’ve been hearing about other people receiving requests for Dr Notes, and stuff so I’ve come to the conclusion that I have been passed on. I’m like 99% positive. Boo. I would be perfect for the biggest loser. I trust though that it means that someone out there needed Biggest Loser more than I do and that they were just a better fit. Still heartbroken.  Still praying..as are my prayer warriors…”just in case.” This process has been an emotional rollercoaster….only because I felt like the steps leading TO the audition were laid out perfectly and even before I decided to try for BL I felt like somewhere in my journey there is a lesson for me and others. Like…my story has happened for a reason bigger than I can grasp at this point. I guess I was wrong…Sucks too, because I just have this feeling that I am supposed to do something good with my weight loss journey. Something positive. WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

I decided just to do it. Just start losing the weight and to get moving. THIS is a task with 2 kids under the age of 6, but I don’t care anymore. I’m getting it done. If I can take care of three kids and a Derek (haha) then I can lose weight, dang it! I’m down 34 pounds from a couple of months ago. Just little changes like Truvia and no regular milk. Yesterday I started making big changes. We will see what happens from here. I also walked this weekend and yesterday. Feels great but I REALLY want to PUSH myself. Hard. Where I wonder if I can make it through the workout. Who is this person begging to come out in me??