Did she really just say that?

WOW..some people. I was just getting gas at the gas station and in front of my husband a lady says (on the phone, but very obviously) "she is WAY too big to be weeding that! Omg" Um FIRST of all I'm wearing a maxie dress that is very very loose fitting and goes to my ANKLES! Secondly, I DID have a cute valero (?) until Avery spilled red juice on it. So the only thing YOU saw were my shoulders. And last, what the hell? You have a child in the car..HOW DARE you speak badly of me when you don't even know me..especially in front of that child? What are you teaching them? That it is ok to judge someone based on their weight? I should have politely said "m'am I'm too big to wear a lot of things, but a loose fitting dress isn't one of them. And by the way..would care to hear about how I'm trying to lose weight and my struggles? Or how about the fact that I am completely lost when it comes to fitness and I can't afford someone to show me because I have three kids who come first? Would you care to know that I'm scared that everyday will be my last because of my weight? By the way..I hope you and your son have a great night. You just ruined mine, but I'll still go home and pray for you and your judging eyes and that your son doesn't pick up on your poor attitude. I really hope that laugh you just got in on the phone was worth my tears."

Seriously though, I'm not in third grade, and what kind of mature adult makes fun of another adult? I'm not going to sit here and bawl over ALL night (just for a few minutes, dang it!). Am I crazy, or did people treat me differently when I was smaller? Did I imagine it? I really think people are more rude and judgmental when you are overweight! Newsflash: I'M NOT LAZY! I'm actually moving all the time..helllllo I have a 5,3and 2 year old! Any body who has been overweight; did this happen to you too? Or is it just me? by the way..this lady was not little...she was overweight too! I HOPE and PRAY I make it on the biGgest loser..and I pray thy lady sees me work my tail off. Then I can be like "Booyah!"

What is the goal/the waiting place

Yesterday something REALLY amazing happened to me that I can't really tell anyone about yet. All I can say is that to some people it wouldn't be a big deal but to me it's HUGE..and a confirmation that I'm going in the right direction. I will say this...I have been wondering why God laid this blog and my weight loss out in front of me to tackle head on in such a public way. I think it became pretty clear to me this morning when I thought "I haven't battled my weight for this long for God not to use my weightLOSS in a positive way." DUH Kailey! I'm asking for help because I NEED help in a big way. And the first step to "recovery" is asking for help, right? But the goal in the end is to a) be healthy b) inspire others c) pay it forward. That's Gods plan for me..I know it, without a shadow of a doubt. I can't do that from a place that doesn't give me a foundation to lose weight without putting my family in financial jeopardy. last might on the phone with my amazing, encouraging friend Keri she reminded me of what she's been telling me for years. That God has something great in store for me. she is sending a new book my way that I'm super excited to read. She hasn't even read my blog, but she said the funniest thing to me. She said "God has laid this on you for a reason." Keri..if you DO read this "have I toooold you lately that I love you?" sang in a total Rod Stewart voice.

My favorite book is "Oh the places you'll go" by Dr. Seuss. Yep..Dr. Seuss! Don't judge me :-) I was reading the book again to my kids this morning and a lot of this book is relevant to my life. LOL
Here are some "a-ha" lines for me:

"with your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street" -well we all know my past, so now I'm correcting my mistakes!

"and when things start to happen don't worry, don't stew, Just go right along. YOU'LL start happening too!"

"un-slumping yourself is not easily done"

"you'll come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to go out? Do you dare to go in? HOW MUCH CAN YOU LOSE? How much can you WIN?" um, pretty much sums it up!

"the waiting place...for people just waiting. Waiting for a...plane to go, or the mail to come, or the pone to ring, or waiting around for a yes or a no. Everyone is just waiting. For a ...better break....a pair of pants...or another chance. Everyone is just waiting."

"Oh the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.."

"I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too.games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you"---this is how I feel RIGHT NOW, with no help :-/

"and will you succeed? YES! You will, indeed! (98& 3/4 guaranteed.) KID YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!"

Hmmm. Smart man, that Dr. Seuss!!

I'll stop rambling now :-) have a good day y'all!

MONO?! MONO?! seriously??

Dr Harveys office called back regarding Jax..um, he tested positive for Mono? Wait, what? He asked to see us in office, and we are still being sent to LR..but that is the word for now. Apparently Mono can be pretty serious and cause spleen issues and Dr H is worried about that among other things...like the little kids having it. lovely. Just lovely.

And I'm thinking of auditioning for the Biggest Loser WHEN everything comes back ok. Yes, I'm speaking in faith. am I crazy for auditioning for both? all I know at this point is that I am desperate
For help...bc I have proven that I can't do it alone.

Update on Jaxon..

Dr harveys office called and said that Jax's bloodwork was normal except for showing high levels of inflammation. They couldn't tell us where or why or what is causing the inflammation so we ARE going to Arkansas Childrens Hospital. They are sending us to the center for infectious disease. Those words all in the same sentence are terrifying, especially when being used about MY son. I don't know what the he'll is going to happen once we are there. what are they going to do to my sweet baby boy? What kind of tests? They DO realize that he is not a pin cushion right? He's really scared of needles, like me. Will he be just another patient to them or will they take good care of him and answer his questions in a comforting way? Will they answer ours? Our appointment is July 25th, BUT they can call us at anytime before then if there I'd a cancellation since we are on a wait list and we would have to go down sooner, maybe even the same day. They said that we don't know what will happen once we go. Yiu know what's crazy? I kept asking WHY is this happening...and I realized that I need to be asking WHAT god wants us to learn from this. there has to be a lesson somewhere, but what is it?? I guess it isn't time to figure the answer out yet since we have to go through the experience to learn the lesson.
side note** I also caught myself thinking about trying to focus on weight loss with all of this going on. Selfish, selfish,selfish. I am a horrible person for the thought even crossing my mind. But if I don't take care of me...I won't be alive to take care of my kids in scary situations. I feel like the walls are caving in. And I've been having dizzy spells A LOT. Inwonder if something is going on there.

Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. <3

Asking for your prayers..

Talk about a reality check. My weight loss problems seem so trivial in the moment. My 5 year old, Jaxon, has been having fevers for a few months. They are not accompanied by any other symptoms and they come up ever week to two weeks. We have been taking him to the dr and they have been running tests with no indications of what is wrong. Today we had another appointment with labs, but they told us that they will be sending us to Little Rock Childrens Hospital sometime in the next couple of weeks. We don't know what will happen from there. As a mother, and for Derek as a father, these are some of the scariest words that you can hear. I can tell you that I am terrified. Utterly and totally terrified. I feel like I have been punched in the gut. I pray that little rock gives us a simple explanation for the fevers and that my son is well.I am asking for your prayers too. I will keep you all posted on what happens from here, but as of right now we are waiting on dates and times.

More Encouragement

It's my morning cleaning session... A time where I crank up the music, dance with my kids, and clean up my house after the tornadic breakfast have come through. I love this time because it gets us all moving and we really have fun. My kids LOVE that mommy randomly starts dancing around at any given time..probably because it's pretty funny as I have NO rhythm. Haha. THIS particular morning is pretty stressful because Jaxon has had a high fever for 2 days and I'm pretty sure that Avery has a spider bite. Crankiness is surrounding me. I'm cleaning and dancing around and this song comes on. very fitting ENcouragement today, and a great way to start off my morning.
"today is your day"
You got what it takes, you can win
Today is your day to begin
don't give up here dont you quit
The moment is now
This is it
I know that you can AND you will
Get to the top of the hill
Part of the fun is the climb
You just gotta make up Your mind

That today is your day
Nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everythings going your way
Today, today, today, today

When somebody throws sticks and stones,
All they can break are your bones
And lifes gonna kick you around
And then kick you again when you're down

But today IS your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everythings going your way
Today

Life's going kick you around, it going kick you, it's going kick you down

Brush yourself off no regrets
This is as good as it gets
Don't expect more or less
Just go out and give it your best

Today is your day
Nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything is going your way
TODAY

Today is YOUR day.

Just FYI..getting a gym membership today. Found a gym for $15 a month!

Encouraged/DIScouraged ...and finding the difference

I have to say that some unexpected words of ENcouragment have come from my blog. an old friend from highschool wrote me with words of encouragement and tips that her parents use, which turned out to be very helpful. Yesterday, however, an old aquantaince from high school posted that he is now a personal trainer. I messaged him and spoke with him this morning about training on the phone. Let me back up...I really prayed about whether or not to call, bc I want to make sure that every step is correct on this journey. And I also have a family to keep in mind. So when he answered the phone and I told him who I was he said "how can I help you?" :-/ I thought we were old friends...that statement made me think otherwise, since I'm pretty sure he didn't remember who I was. He was very kind and helpful. Lots of encouragement about the journey I am embarking on. He also told me that he wished everyone had my attitude going in. HOWEVER, after hanging up I realized that $50/hr is completely out of my price range...12 sessions a month=more than our rent. How could I be so selfish in even CONSIDERING a personal trainer in our financial state? I got off the phone, unfortunately, feeling more DIScouraged than encouraged! WHY?? this old aquaintance was so sk ENcouraging and honest, not to mention helpful with tips. I think it boils down to I am so ready to lose weight, yet I am realizing that because I can afford a trainer to push and encourage me I am completely on my own. I am staring to think that I'm not facing a battle..I am facing a war. And sadly I am a one man army. I am leaving myself vulnerable and open, which is out of my comfort zone, and I'm going in blind. DAMN IT. It's one of those times that I want to stomp into the kitchen and comfort myself by eating (I am starting to realize more and more That I've been doing this). but I haven't. I have stopped myself. Guess what, I'm not doing anything but letting the fat suit win. I am only hurting myself. not comforting a damn thing.
On to my grocery store trip to shop for the week...I bought things that Rachel posted on her list. Truvia and almond milk among others. Lean hamburger meat, chicken, asparagus...I'm moving from baby steps to a..skip maybe? IDK. Anyway it was late(ish) when we were shopping so I decided that I would get a Starbucks coffee thing at the store. I also got tacobell mild sauce thinking it surely wasn't a bad idea.we checked out and as we were walking away the taco bell sauce and Starbuck fell out of the bag and cart onto my feet (which were in flip flops) and glass shattered everywhere. I think god was trying to tell me that those two items were NOT a good idea? Somehow the two bottle shattered on my feet and I didn't even have one cut or scrape. Weird.
At home this afternoon I felt like grabbing my bible. I don't do this nearly enough, but for some reason I did today. The house was quiet and I think I new I could find some encouragement there. Now..I have "the busy moms bible" with study guide tips and devotionals. I opened it to this :
STEWARDSHIP.
word for the day: CARE.
Caring for yourself: 1 Timothy 5:23
Then it asked me to reflect on this: How would you rate your job at taking care of yourself? Does your rest or fitness hold you back from anything God wants you to do?
THEN it says to lookup stewardship in the back of my bible. Listed? Accountability, ambition, authority, commitment, contentment, decision making,priorities, responsibility, time, work and values. HMMM. Relevant? I think so. Oprah (yes, I said oprah!) says that God speaks to you in tiny whispers at first, and they get louder. I think my whispers are becoming a BIG huge "HELLLLLLLO!"

Movie Night with my Boys

Yesterday the boys (yes, Derek too!) and I went to see Kung Fu Panda 2. CUUUTE movie. My daddy kept Avery so we could ACTUALLY watch the movie. It was fun to spend some time with the big kids For a change, but within the first 15 min of Avery being gone the boys started talking about picking her up! If I've done one thing right in ky life it's raising kids that LOVE family and God.
On to the movie..
D got the boys popcorn and and soda.. :-/ I opted for a bottle of water even though it was $3.50 (holy crap!). I told my self that I WAS NOT going to eat popcorn, but during the movie I realized that my hand creeped over to the bucket. FAIL. I didn't eat much (not that it matters, ever little bit goes straight to my behind!) so I made sure it didn't happen again. The water bottle? Gone in a few minutes. D has been trying to encourage me and lose weight himself..he has lost 12lbs this week. We both have had salads for dinner the last few nights. Ther ae those baby steps again. I have a feeling the ranch dressing is a bad idea. Rachel from EMWLE posted a Food list so I'm going to take that with me when I make our meal plans. Still a little (okay a lot) confused on the amounts of food. Derek and I were having a discussion about exercising bc for a while I NEED someone with me..but he pretty much works out all day in the warehouse at work, since he sweats and is constantly moving. I,on the other hand, am always at home. Especially since we are still borrowing moms car..I literally can't leave. I took all 5 kids with me for a walk the other day..What was I thinking? I think I'm going to walk at the activity center today bc I can get a free pass.
Have I mentioned how encouraged I am by EMWLE and Biggest loser ppl?? I LOVE that Rachel and Alex tweet me back with constant encouragement. They have inspired the changes I'm trying to make. Rachel said she praying for me! aWE! I'll take all the prayers I can get yo!Maybe I'll get lucky and they will see the small bit of life I feel like I still have and call? I need to just continue my small changes, but more importantly trust my God. After all, HE has a wonderful plan for me.
**side note- I know that my butt has gotten bigger, but have the chairs in the movie theater gotten smaller?? Just wondering

"Have I not Commanded you? be STRONG and COURAGEOUS, Do NOT be terrified, Do NOT be DISCOURAGED, for the Lord your God is whith you, WHEREVER you go!" Joshua 1:9