Brr..its getting a little windy.

Time for my October blog. I started writing one before but seriously JUST noticed that most of it was cut off. Whoops.

I LOVE fall. I love the weather, I love the cheap activities and I love the scenery. What I don’t love? The stress. I feel like fall is automatically a stressful time of year for us. It’s always a time when things just get hard. Period. The weather changing with the seasons means that the kids need new sizes in their wardrobe. Let’s face it…that’s just part of being a parent. How do you balance new shoes, clothes, and bills with everything else? Ugh. Stressful. This is financially a hard time for us. That’s not a secret. Am I complaining? No. Just writing. Sometimes it’s better to write for me than it is to hold it all in. Christmas is coming too. Oy..I don’t EVEN want to touch that subject yet. That stress will, I’m sure, build up. This is a part of life. You have bills, you have wonderful babies to support, you love, you encourage, you trust HIM. Again, I’m not complaining, but I can’t tell you how many times people go “you just can’t catch a break, can you?” It’s TRUE!! It is one thing after another…and another. Again..its life. I’m so so thankful for the friends and family that are in our lives. Sometimes it’s the words of wisdom or the kind hearts that really pull us through.  Ok enough venting.

We went to Little Rock on the 3^rd to take Jaxon back to Children’s Hospital. I thought that this visit would be better. It wasn’t. Unfortunately Derek couldn’t go with us because he couldn’t afford for him to miss work. The plan was for my mother in law, Traci to go with Jax and I and drive down in her car, while Beth watched the younger two. Fast forward to the morning of. I got a text that Beth was sick. Poor seester! Derek didn’t want me to take the little two because it would have been insane. SO, his boss let him leave at lunch so he could keep the little ones. BIG paycheck dent. BOO! So Traci, Jax, and I drove down to Little Rock. THANK GOD that mama and Traci paid for the gas down there! Stress reliever much? We ended up getting there late, just a little, but hey, we made it safely! We got right in, and saw Dr Harik. With all the crazy scheduling at home and the steering cable in mama’s car broken for a little while I couldn’t get Jax to the Dr office during his fever cycle for his blood work. How nice it would be to have a vehicle that was OURS and didn’t breakdown. I wonder what that’s like. Still extremely grateful that mama is letting us borrow hers! Blessing. Back to the visit. Jaxon’s fevers are USUALLY every 16 to 17 days. Its usually clockwork. So Dr Harik wanted to see if his blood work levels showed any signs of inflammation during non cycles. If he DID have inflammation then we would get referred to a Rheumatologist. SCARY. She said that if there was inflammation then we would most likely be looking at things like juvenile rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. It took every single ounce of my strength not to break down in front of my baby. She also explained that it was SUPER important to get the blood work done during his next cycle. Jax had blood work done in LR and we left with a new appointment date (Nov. 7^th) and them saying that we would get a phone call soon with the results. That night and the next morning I was super emotional, not crying but just anxious waiting. Just knowing that the results from that one set of blood work could change my son’s life was a lot for me to take in. To be blunt, it sucked. NO parent should experience this. When I DID get the phone call I was thrilled to learn that Jax had no high levels of inflammation, which means no lupus or JRA.THANK YOU JESUS! I lost it. I cried on the phone with the nurse, I cried talking to Derek, my parents…everyone. All the fear that I had been holding just flowed out in tears. I was more terrified than I realized. Now, what does this mean? It means that we are most likely looking at PFAPA. This is great news. Treatable. Frustrating? Yes, for my baby. It’s so rare, but hey..it could be so much worse. I thank God that it went this way and not in way that could have changed his life forever. Our God has a plan. I have no idea what it is. I trust him..everything has happened in the last couple of years for a reason. It’s so random though, because Jaxon HAS NOT developed a fever since we left ACH. He should have had a fever around Oct 7^th. It still hasn’t hit. So now it’s kind of like we are just waiting. Dr Harik said that because his fever cycles have been getting shorter and closer that we may be coming to the end of PFAPA..especially since it only lasts till age 7 and Jax is less than a year away from that. YAY!

So that’s October for now. We had a trip to the pumpkin patch on Saturday so I’ll upload pictures from that in a couple of days.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support for our family. It truly means the world to us!

Hello October..

Fall is my FAVORITE time of year. Hands down. I love the chilly weather (hey..a big girl can always put on layers...we cant take them off), the pumpkins, the colors, the smells. I just LOVE it. In years past, though, fall has been a difficult time. I don't want to live in the past, but I always get anxious...like waiting for something crazy to happen.

Today I spent most of the day cleaning. I did this to keep my mind busy...I am definately my mother's child. I've got so much on my mind. Bills..of course. Why wasn't I born rich? I always tell people.."I'd be really good at it." Its true. I would invest, buy a house, a BRAND NEW CAR (well 2) since I have never had anything newer than a 2001 vehicle and put myself through college.

a starting point I guess...

I auditioned for The Biggest Loser, as you know. I also received a coveted “call back”…kind of. Holland called me on my way home from the audition, but I missed the call because I had spotty cell service. Funny, only because I LITERALLY kept my phone in my hand the ENTIRE drive home. Which, by the way, St Louis is NOT 3 hours away, like I was told. It was 5. I’m just saying. So while I prayed the entire way home for a call back – and then saw on twitter and Facebook that all of the call backs were made I walked in the door, threw my stuff down, decided that I was NOT going to cry. Daddy hugged me and he went home too…both of us disappointed. I went to bed and checked my voice mail one last time juuuust in case. Nothing. At all. Tossed my phone down and didn’t even bother plugging it in because I was just…sad. The next morning- Sunday- when I woke up I plugged in my dead phone and it immediately showed a voice mail. I thought “That’s mama, making sure we made it back ok. I’ll check it and call her after I do some laundry since it’s early.” So I did my laundry…and then I checked my voicemail. You can imagine my surprise when I heard the angelic (yes, I just said angelic) voice of Holland “Master Caster” Weathers. I knew when I heard “Heeey, Kailey” who it was. I immediately started shaking. HOLLAND FREAKING WEATHERS CALLED ME! I had to play the message again only because I didn’t believe what that it was real. She asked me if I had any potential partners, and said she would get back to me. Ok-picture this- I am in my pajamas, it is about 7:45 on a SUNDAY morning, everybody in my house is sleeping, and I just start SCREAMING with excitement. I couldn’t help myself…its like the sounds just came out and I had NO control over my own voice. Weird, right? So everybody in my house wakes up going “What is wrong?”  My kids start jumping up and down when I tell them that Ms. Holland called mommy. Yes, they know who she is! We kind of pray for the biggest loser. :-/ I explain to Derek what she said and HE says “Did she ask you for an interview?” Well crap. Nope she didn’t. This is why I say a “kinda call back.” I immediately called daddy since he has been my biggest supporter and he was dressed and at my house ready to go back to St Louis “just in case” in less than an hour. Bless his heart. Later after I didn’t hear back from her he said “KK, Are you SURE that was Holland that called you and not somebody that knew you were auditioning playing a trick on you?” I had to reassure him that I had watched enough of the casting tips videos to know her voice and that no one was that mean. I actually didn’t even hear anything back from her until a few days later when she asked for a video. So sent in my video…have a few views. I actually emailed to ask if it worked because I thought maybe it didn’t work because it looked like it had been viewed a few times…but I’m new to YouTube so I didn’t know for sure. Right after I sent the email….like 10 minutes later the Biggest Loser casting page ( @BLCASTINGTEAM) tweeted something along the lines of they are busy and please don’t email. GULP. I’m an idiot. A desperate, praying, big fat idiot. I felt HORRIBLE and immediately tweeted Holland that I was guilty and very sorry. I hope she forgave me. HA! That was two weeks ago-ish. So NOW I’ve been hearing about other people receiving requests for Dr Notes, and stuff so I’ve come to the conclusion that I have been passed on. I’m like 99% positive. Boo. I would be perfect for the biggest loser. I trust though that it means that someone out there needed Biggest Loser more than I do and that they were just a better fit. Still heartbroken.  Still praying..as are my prayer warriors…”just in case.” This process has been an emotional rollercoaster….only because I felt like the steps leading TO the audition were laid out perfectly and even before I decided to try for BL I felt like somewhere in my journey there is a lesson for me and others. Like…my story has happened for a reason bigger than I can grasp at this point. I guess I was wrong…Sucks too, because I just have this feeling that I am supposed to do something good with my weight loss journey. Something positive. WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

I decided just to do it. Just start losing the weight and to get moving. THIS is a task with 2 kids under the age of 6, but I don’t care anymore. I’m getting it done. If I can take care of three kids and a Derek (haha) then I can lose weight, dang it! I’m down 34 pounds from a couple of months ago. Just little changes like Truvia and no regular milk. Yesterday I started making big changes. We will see what happens from here. I also walked this weekend and yesterday. Feels great but I REALLY want to PUSH myself. Hard. Where I wonder if I can make it through the workout. Who is this person begging to come out in me??

It's been awhile-I suppose its time for a new blog.

Just noticed that its been over a month since I blogged. Wow-SO much has happened, and yet everything is the same. I'll start with Jaxon, since I have asked and recieved SO many prayers for my sweet boy. We did end up going to Arkansas Children's Hospital on July 25, which ended up being the day that Beth was enduced to have Bentley. We went to the hospital EARLY to stay as long as we could, but ended up having to leave around 8...with Bentley taking his time. I told Beth (and Bentley) to PLEASE hold on until we got back. Bentley had other plans! Derek, Jaxon, and I got to Little Rock around 12-it is HUGE! I'm SO greatful that my inlaws let us use their car to go down their. Mama let Jax use her dvd headrest thing so he could watch movies AND she paid for the gas. What an amazing family we have. Thanks to ALL of those things the trip was less stressful (ha! imagine that) considering.
Our appointment wasn't until 2, so we just walked around and had lunch- let me tell you, there is PLENTY for the kids to do at a Childrens Hospital. I will say this though..it was the most scary and most comforting place I have ever been in my life. When you walk through those doors you are taken care of. There are kids in wheelchairs with IV's everywhere, bald kids, and just sick babies (scary). Every parent there has the same worries. Its humbling. However, the staff is AMAZING. Everyone was SO helpful and attentive (comforting). Even though we were early they got us into a room. We did have to wait awhile, but that was fine. They brought Jax coloring books :-) He is our little artist so he was content.

Finally Dr. Harik came in -she was WONDERFUL. asked us about everything we have experinced with Jax. She said that since the fevers are pretty much structured there are a couple of different things that we are looking at. It seemed like she was leaning more towards something called PFAPA. We learned a lot about it-too much to type here, but that being said it is easily treatable. If it turns out that PFAPA is what we are dealing with then we have 3 options. 1 being that we don't treat it (it goes away by the age of 7), 2 being he gets steriod shots at the onset of his fever for a cycle of 4 or 5 fevers, 3 being we schedule him for surgery to get his tonsils removed-which could or couldn't work. We have decided that 2 is our best option. Let me back up though...in order to fully diagnose Jax we have to keep a "fever diary." We have a calender where we have to write down every little symptom until Oct 3, when we go back. He also has to have bloodwork with his fevers. His white blood cell count was a little high, but he had a fever less than 24 hours before we went- so DrHarik thought that was the reason why...and it seems that his WBC has stayed a little high. Dr Harik didn't seem worried about this though. The good news is that he has been tested for Luekemia and other scary things of that nature and they are all NEGATIVE. Honestly I think it all has gotten better...maybe because we are finally getting somewhere?

NOW-while we were waiting we got a phone call that Beth was going back to a csection. Bentley was born shortly after 3. He is PERFECT! I am the proudest Aunt KK ever! I love love love him. We headed back to Rogers with our new appt day and met Bentley shortley after. Precious.

Okay..fast forward...I auditioned for The Biggest Loser on Aug 13 in St Louis. Daddy went with me...he is SO supportive. I love that-but I am so scared that I am going to let him down. Its crazy, but for ONCE I actually believe in myself. The problem is getting the casting directors to believe in me, too. I DID end up getting a call back, but not for an interview. She asked for a video, so I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Good, maybe? Gosh I hope so. What a huge huge blessings this would be for me...and my family. To be healthy? Excites me SO much. Like I said in past blogs I had friends tweeting me weightloss tips....I've lost 32 lbs! Maybe a big part of that though is I started taking my thyroid meds again after being off for a year. Either way I feel better---I can't imagine how I'd feel after going on Biggest Loser.

                                                           LOVE their faces in this!

                                                                  Avery Grace

                                                             Jaxon Brooks

                                                              Landen Michael

 

                                                    SO serious. hehe

                                     This one completely captures our family life....CHAOS

My love. My Rock.

Thanks for all of your support and prayers. I will try to update more! #BL13hopeful

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and Courageous. Do not be terrifed, Do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you, wherever you go" Josh 1:9

Did she really just say that?

WOW..some people. I was just getting gas at the gas station and in front of my husband a lady says (on the phone, but very obviously) "she is WAY too big to be weeding that! Omg" Um FIRST of all I'm wearing a maxie dress that is very very loose fitting and goes to my ANKLES! Secondly, I DID have a cute valero (?) until Avery spilled red juice on it. So the only thing YOU saw were my shoulders. And last, what the hell? You have a child in the car..HOW DARE you speak badly of me when you don't even know me..especially in front of that child? What are you teaching them? That it is ok to judge someone based on their weight? I should have politely said "m'am I'm too big to wear a lot of things, but a loose fitting dress isn't one of them. And by the way..would care to hear about how I'm trying to lose weight and my struggles? Or how about the fact that I am completely lost when it comes to fitness and I can't afford someone to show me because I have three kids who come first? Would you care to know that I'm scared that everyday will be my last because of my weight? By the way..I hope you and your son have a great night. You just ruined mine, but I'll still go home and pray for you and your judging eyes and that your son doesn't pick up on your poor attitude. I really hope that laugh you just got in on the phone was worth my tears."

Seriously though, I'm not in third grade, and what kind of mature adult makes fun of another adult? I'm not going to sit here and bawl over ALL night (just for a few minutes, dang it!). Am I crazy, or did people treat me differently when I was smaller? Did I imagine it? I really think people are more rude and judgmental when you are overweight! Newsflash: I'M NOT LAZY! I'm actually moving all the time..helllllo I have a 5,3and 2 year old! Any body who has been overweight; did this happen to you too? Or is it just me? by the way..this lady was not little...she was overweight too! I HOPE and PRAY I make it on the biGgest loser..and I pray thy lady sees me work my tail off. Then I can be like "Booyah!"

What is the goal/the waiting place

Yesterday something REALLY amazing happened to me that I can't really tell anyone about yet. All I can say is that to some people it wouldn't be a big deal but to me it's HUGE..and a confirmation that I'm going in the right direction. I will say this...I have been wondering why God laid this blog and my weight loss out in front of me to tackle head on in such a public way. I think it became pretty clear to me this morning when I thought "I haven't battled my weight for this long for God not to use my weightLOSS in a positive way." DUH Kailey! I'm asking for help because I NEED help in a big way. And the first step to "recovery" is asking for help, right? But the goal in the end is to a) be healthy b) inspire others c) pay it forward. That's Gods plan for me..I know it, without a shadow of a doubt. I can't do that from a place that doesn't give me a foundation to lose weight without putting my family in financial jeopardy. last might on the phone with my amazing, encouraging friend Keri she reminded me of what she's been telling me for years. That God has something great in store for me. she is sending a new book my way that I'm super excited to read. She hasn't even read my blog, but she said the funniest thing to me. She said "God has laid this on you for a reason." Keri..if you DO read this "have I toooold you lately that I love you?" sang in a total Rod Stewart voice.

My favorite book is "Oh the places you'll go" by Dr. Seuss. Yep..Dr. Seuss! Don't judge me :-) I was reading the book again to my kids this morning and a lot of this book is relevant to my life. LOL
Here are some "a-ha" lines for me:

"with your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street" -well we all know my past, so now I'm correcting my mistakes!

"and when things start to happen don't worry, don't stew, Just go right along. YOU'LL start happening too!"

"un-slumping yourself is not easily done"

"you'll come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to go out? Do you dare to go in? HOW MUCH CAN YOU LOSE? How much can you WIN?" um, pretty much sums it up!

"the waiting place...for people just waiting. Waiting for a...plane to go, or the mail to come, or the pone to ring, or waiting around for a yes or a no. Everyone is just waiting. For a ...better break....a pair of pants...or another chance. Everyone is just waiting."

"Oh the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.."

"I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too.games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you"---this is how I feel RIGHT NOW, with no help :-/

"and will you succeed? YES! You will, indeed! (98& 3/4 guaranteed.) KID YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!"

Hmmm. Smart man, that Dr. Seuss!!

I'll stop rambling now :-) have a good day y'all!

MONO?! MONO?! seriously??

Dr Harveys office called back regarding Jax..um, he tested positive for Mono? Wait, what? He asked to see us in office, and we are still being sent to LR..but that is the word for now. Apparently Mono can be pretty serious and cause spleen issues and Dr H is worried about that among other things...like the little kids having it. lovely. Just lovely.

And I'm thinking of auditioning for the Biggest Loser WHEN everything comes back ok. Yes, I'm speaking in faith. am I crazy for auditioning for both? all I know at this point is that I am desperate
For help...bc I have proven that I can't do it alone.

Update on Jaxon..

Dr harveys office called and said that Jax's bloodwork was normal except for showing high levels of inflammation. They couldn't tell us where or why or what is causing the inflammation so we ARE going to Arkansas Childrens Hospital. They are sending us to the center for infectious disease. Those words all in the same sentence are terrifying, especially when being used about MY son. I don't know what the he'll is going to happen once we are there. what are they going to do to my sweet baby boy? What kind of tests? They DO realize that he is not a pin cushion right? He's really scared of needles, like me. Will he be just another patient to them or will they take good care of him and answer his questions in a comforting way? Will they answer ours? Our appointment is July 25th, BUT they can call us at anytime before then if there I'd a cancellation since we are on a wait list and we would have to go down sooner, maybe even the same day. They said that we don't know what will happen once we go. Yiu know what's crazy? I kept asking WHY is this happening...and I realized that I need to be asking WHAT god wants us to learn from this. there has to be a lesson somewhere, but what is it?? I guess it isn't time to figure the answer out yet since we have to go through the experience to learn the lesson.
side note** I also caught myself thinking about trying to focus on weight loss with all of this going on. Selfish, selfish,selfish. I am a horrible person for the thought even crossing my mind. But if I don't take care of me...I won't be alive to take care of my kids in scary situations. I feel like the walls are caving in. And I've been having dizzy spells A LOT. Inwonder if something is going on there.

Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. <3

Asking for your prayers..

Talk about a reality check. My weight loss problems seem so trivial in the moment. My 5 year old, Jaxon, has been having fevers for a few months. They are not accompanied by any other symptoms and they come up ever week to two weeks. We have been taking him to the dr and they have been running tests with no indications of what is wrong. Today we had another appointment with labs, but they told us that they will be sending us to Little Rock Childrens Hospital sometime in the next couple of weeks. We don't know what will happen from there. As a mother, and for Derek as a father, these are some of the scariest words that you can hear. I can tell you that I am terrified. Utterly and totally terrified. I feel like I have been punched in the gut. I pray that little rock gives us a simple explanation for the fevers and that my son is well.I am asking for your prayers too. I will keep you all posted on what happens from here, but as of right now we are waiting on dates and times.

More Encouragement

It's my morning cleaning session... A time where I crank up the music, dance with my kids, and clean up my house after the tornadic breakfast have come through. I love this time because it gets us all moving and we really have fun. My kids LOVE that mommy randomly starts dancing around at any given time..probably because it's pretty funny as I have NO rhythm. Haha. THIS particular morning is pretty stressful because Jaxon has had a high fever for 2 days and I'm pretty sure that Avery has a spider bite. Crankiness is surrounding me. I'm cleaning and dancing around and this song comes on. very fitting ENcouragement today, and a great way to start off my morning.
"today is your day"
You got what it takes, you can win
Today is your day to begin
don't give up here dont you quit
The moment is now
This is it
I know that you can AND you will
Get to the top of the hill
Part of the fun is the climb
You just gotta make up Your mind

That today is your day
Nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everythings going your way
Today, today, today, today

When somebody throws sticks and stones,
All they can break are your bones
And lifes gonna kick you around
And then kick you again when you're down

But today IS your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everythings going your way
Today

Life's going kick you around, it going kick you, it's going kick you down

Brush yourself off no regrets
This is as good as it gets
Don't expect more or less
Just go out and give it your best

Today is your day
Nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything is going your way
TODAY

Today is YOUR day.

Just FYI..getting a gym membership today. Found a gym for $15 a month!

Encouraged/DIScouraged ...and finding the difference

I have to say that some unexpected words of ENcouragment have come from my blog. an old friend from highschool wrote me with words of encouragement and tips that her parents use, which turned out to be very helpful. Yesterday, however, an old aquantaince from high school posted that he is now a personal trainer. I messaged him and spoke with him this morning about training on the phone. Let me back up...I really prayed about whether or not to call, bc I want to make sure that every step is correct on this journey. And I also have a family to keep in mind. So when he answered the phone and I told him who I was he said "how can I help you?" :-/ I thought we were old friends...that statement made me think otherwise, since I'm pretty sure he didn't remember who I was. He was very kind and helpful. Lots of encouragement about the journey I am embarking on. He also told me that he wished everyone had my attitude going in. HOWEVER, after hanging up I realized that $50/hr is completely out of my price range...12 sessions a month=more than our rent. How could I be so selfish in even CONSIDERING a personal trainer in our financial state? I got off the phone, unfortunately, feeling more DIScouraged than encouraged! WHY?? this old aquaintance was so sk ENcouraging and honest, not to mention helpful with tips. I think it boils down to I am so ready to lose weight, yet I am realizing that because I can afford a trainer to push and encourage me I am completely on my own. I am staring to think that I'm not facing a battle..I am facing a war. And sadly I am a one man army. I am leaving myself vulnerable and open, which is out of my comfort zone, and I'm going in blind. DAMN IT. It's one of those times that I want to stomp into the kitchen and comfort myself by eating (I am starting to realize more and more That I've been doing this). but I haven't. I have stopped myself. Guess what, I'm not doing anything but letting the fat suit win. I am only hurting myself. not comforting a damn thing.
On to my grocery store trip to shop for the week...I bought things that Rachel posted on her list. Truvia and almond milk among others. Lean hamburger meat, chicken, asparagus...I'm moving from baby steps to a..skip maybe? IDK. Anyway it was late(ish) when we were shopping so I decided that I would get a Starbucks coffee thing at the store. I also got tacobell mild sauce thinking it surely wasn't a bad idea.we checked out and as we were walking away the taco bell sauce and Starbuck fell out of the bag and cart onto my feet (which were in flip flops) and glass shattered everywhere. I think god was trying to tell me that those two items were NOT a good idea? Somehow the two bottle shattered on my feet and I didn't even have one cut or scrape. Weird.
At home this afternoon I felt like grabbing my bible. I don't do this nearly enough, but for some reason I did today. The house was quiet and I think I new I could find some encouragement there. Now..I have "the busy moms bible" with study guide tips and devotionals. I opened it to this :
STEWARDSHIP.
word for the day: CARE.
Caring for yourself: 1 Timothy 5:23
Then it asked me to reflect on this: How would you rate your job at taking care of yourself? Does your rest or fitness hold you back from anything God wants you to do?
THEN it says to lookup stewardship in the back of my bible. Listed? Accountability, ambition, authority, commitment, contentment, decision making,priorities, responsibility, time, work and values. HMMM. Relevant? I think so. Oprah (yes, I said oprah!) says that God speaks to you in tiny whispers at first, and they get louder. I think my whispers are becoming a BIG huge "HELLLLLLLO!"

Movie Night with my Boys

Yesterday the boys (yes, Derek too!) and I went to see Kung Fu Panda 2. CUUUTE movie. My daddy kept Avery so we could ACTUALLY watch the movie. It was fun to spend some time with the big kids For a change, but within the first 15 min of Avery being gone the boys started talking about picking her up! If I've done one thing right in ky life it's raising kids that LOVE family and God.
On to the movie..
D got the boys popcorn and and soda.. :-/ I opted for a bottle of water even though it was $3.50 (holy crap!). I told my self that I WAS NOT going to eat popcorn, but during the movie I realized that my hand creeped over to the bucket. FAIL. I didn't eat much (not that it matters, ever little bit goes straight to my behind!) so I made sure it didn't happen again. The water bottle? Gone in a few minutes. D has been trying to encourage me and lose weight himself..he has lost 12lbs this week. We both have had salads for dinner the last few nights. Ther ae those baby steps again. I have a feeling the ranch dressing is a bad idea. Rachel from EMWLE posted a Food list so I'm going to take that with me when I make our meal plans. Still a little (okay a lot) confused on the amounts of food. Derek and I were having a discussion about exercising bc for a while I NEED someone with me..but he pretty much works out all day in the warehouse at work, since he sweats and is constantly moving. I,on the other hand, am always at home. Especially since we are still borrowing moms car..I literally can't leave. I took all 5 kids with me for a walk the other day..What was I thinking? I think I'm going to walk at the activity center today bc I can get a free pass.
Have I mentioned how encouraged I am by EMWLE and Biggest loser ppl?? I LOVE that Rachel and Alex tweet me back with constant encouragement. They have inspired the changes I'm trying to make. Rachel said she praying for me! aWE! I'll take all the prayers I can get yo!Maybe I'll get lucky and they will see the small bit of life I feel like I still have and call? I need to just continue my small changes, but more importantly trust my God. After all, HE has a wonderful plan for me.
**side note- I know that my butt has gotten bigger, but have the chairs in the movie theater gotten smaller?? Just wondering

"Have I not Commanded you? be STRONG and COURAGEOUS, Do NOT be terrified, Do NOT be DISCOURAGED, for the Lord your God is whith you, WHEREVER you go!" Joshua 1:9

Seriously...where do I start??

so..like I said, I'm making changes. This morning for breakfast I had oatmeal and cantaloupe. I normally don't eat breakfast, remember hearing CP say that it is super important. was oatmeal a good combo with fruit?? There are so many conflicting weight loss tips I don't know which one to believe!! And much water, exactly am I supposed to drink? I've had 3 glasses today. Is that enough? And how about my turkey sandwich for lunch? I'm so freakin confused!

"sometimes God redeems Your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear YOUR past so it doesn't become THEIR future" Jon Acuff

I found this super cute shirt at target that I loved but would be too self conscience to wear bc of my size. Last night I was watching "secrect life of the American teenager" and Josie Bissett was wearing the same shirt! she is NOT big...maybe when I'm smaller I can find the same shirt and feel comfortable wearing it?
I cut out soda this week..a fee caffeine headaches but so far so good. I've been walking everyday...not for long since I have all of the kids but baby steps, right? AND Alex and Rachel from EMWLE have been tweeting me with lots of encouragement. I can't explain how much it means to have people that don't even personally know me encourage me. Makes me super teary eyed. Maybe if I actually make it on the show I could workout with them someday and thank them for their kind words. They have been where I am...maybe I feel like they understand me.
I'm praying that I hear from the producers but I'm trying to keep in mind how slim my chances are. I'm going to take it one day at a time and keep changing in ways that I think will help. It seems like such a long road by myself with no guidance. Maybe because it is? Is it weird that even though I'm so big there is a part of me that is screaming to workout 5 hours a day? I can't explain it...but there is something inside me that gets SO EXCITED at that thought. I have friends who have offered to help with the kids if I make it so I can focus on the goal. We'll see what happens!

BTW..I just got a phone call that Derek hot promoted to "warehousing and receiving MANAGER." Thank you, Jesus for blessings.

And we are off...

It’s funny…when I thought about starting a new blog I didn’t know where to start. So I thought about it…and thought about…and then I decided that I would just start writing again. As facebook says “what’s on your mind?”

What’s on my mind is my weight. Well, I guess this is on my mind every day since it affects aspect of my life…from tying my shoes to eating my dinner. I was recently described as “morbidly obese.” Ouch. When did this happen, I wonder? And if I really start to think about it, it’s been a battle for most of my life. Yep...I was THAT girl. Sorta.

I lived in Greenville, MS, otherwise known as “The Delta” until I was 8. I went to private Catholic/Christian schools except for one year. I was popular and I was always told that I was pretty. My parents were doing pretty well, I think. My dad had his own mechanic shop. My mama worked at the Greenville Police Department and ran the Neighborhood Crime Watch. Everybody knew everybody. We went on vacation to Branson, MO the summer I was seven. On the way we stopped over in a little town called Rogers, AR. It was so different from G’ville. Literally, the water was clean. Who knew there were places with clear water?

The following summer we moved to Rogers. It ultimately ended up being the best thing for us, because really, there aren’t a lot of opportunities in Greenville, where there are in Rogers. My parents, two little brothers and I packed up everything and moved to Rogers on a rainy Saturday. We left behind everything we had ever known in Greenville…my best friend/cousin Christy, all of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins…and all of those coveted friends that thought I hung the moon. We moved into a little house on a quiet street and we adjusted. That fall I started third grade at a local elementary school. Everyone noticed me alright, but it was because I was “the new girl with the funny accent.” I remember this kid David used to ask me to say the word “daddy” repeatedly. One day he made fun of me in front of the ENTIRE class because when I said “daddy” it came out like “deaddy.” Whoops. Southern Belle, anyone? It’s funny, going from popular to very very unpopular is a complete and total shock.

And so my battle with my weight began. I started noticing that all of the girls in Arkansas were a lot smaller than me. And a lot prettier too…and they dressed in fancy clothes. It seemed like every year I kept getting a little bigger and the bullying got a little worse. I was called everything from a linebacker to Quasimodo. I was lucky, though, in three aspects. First, I have always been smart. When I applied myself (which I did until high school) I made all A’s and B’s and I was usually teacher’s pet. My teachers always saw something in me that I didn’t. Second, my mom is a barracuda. Not so great when you piss her off yourself…or when you DON’T want her to stick up for you. But awesome when people were downright mean and I needed a voice, since I hadn’t found mine yet. She could be SO embarrassing sometimes but I knew that if I needed her she was there. Third, I was funny. Keeping a good sense of humor  was CRUCIAL to surviving. No joke.

By the time I reached sophomore year I started losing a little weight and people started to know who I was. I was heavily involved in drama and some of the companies through the local arts centers…maybe that helped. I started to make new friends and lost track of the old ones. By my senior year I started hanging out with a more dangerous crowd. Still having my sense of humor and joking about my weight often, I remember one day I said something and a “friend” (coincidentally one of the few that was nice to me when I moved here) said “I know a way that you can drop weight like that “ and he snapped his fingers. I was totally niaeve and had no idea what he was implying. The only thing I had ever done was drink a little. Soon after I tried my “friends” method of losing weight, and, let me tell you, it worked. I lost over 80lbs in 5 months. I looked awesome. But I should be very clear…I never walked, jogged or exercised to lose that weight. I flat out cheated. I cheated myself and I cheated those around me. It was like instantly I had a lot of friends. I could wear cute clothes and all of a sudden guys were interested in me. Strange. I felt like they were still making fun of me, because some days I still felt like the fat girl. These were the same guys that never looked twice at me besides to make fun of me for years before. I have realized now that they were just trying to take advantage of me, and I’m glad I wasn’t persuaded.

I really, really try to forget about the span of 17-19 of my life. I was a hot mess. I went through some crazy stuff and I became someone I didn’t even know…but I was skinny. I had moved into my first apartment with two of my “best” friends and had a job and was partying every day. I almost died one night. I literally thought that my “friends” were going to have to take me to the hospital and then call my parents. I was terrified and all I could think was “I don’t want my mom to know.” I met a friend during this time I’ll call G. He ended up being a very good friend, but he had his own battles. He returned from one of his times in rehab a couple of days after I almost died. I remember telling him what happened and he said “you have to move out. You have to save your own life.” So we went straight to my mama’s house and I said “mama, we need to talk.” I told her about everything that I had done in the last few months and that I was ready to stop. “I need to move home, and I need to get my head on straight…and I need you to help me.” “Whatever you need to do.” With that, G and I went to my apartment with a box of trash bags and packed up everything I had. My roommates were pissed. PISSED. I didn’t care anymore. At this point everything I did revolved around what everyone else my age thought about me…and now I had to save myself. It was my only choice to get my crap together. And I did. I moved home with my mama and I never looked back. It was like waking up one morning and deciding that today was the day.  In 30 days I will reach my 7 year sober date. Whoot!! Back then I didn’t realize that my decisions would forever change my life, but in retrospect I do. I dropped out of school my senior year, which was STUPID. I could have gotten scholarships, gone to college, and been something great.

Shortly after moving home I started dating Derek, one of my good friends. Derek was just what I needed. He was funny and he just got me. He loves me, and boy do I love him. Derek came from a good family and he worked at a summer camp as a counselor for disabled kiddos. He has a heart of gold and he is the only person I have ever been in a relationship with. By January I was pregnant. And my body went from svelte to blimp-ish in nine short months. I guess it was karma really. I didn’t deserve that body since I had obtained it in such a bad way.  My son was born when I was 20 and I swear that baby is the best thing that ever happened to me. He made me grow up and be responsible. I thank God everyday for choosing me to be his mama. I have never known a greater pleasure than being a mom. A few months after he was born Derek and I became engaged. When Jaxon was ten months old I found out that I was pregnant again….but I had a miscarriage.  I later found out that I probably lost the baby because I have thyroid disease, which somehow I was never tested for my entire life.  Derek and I got married September 3, 2006 and became pregnant two months later (four months after the miscarriage.) During my pregnancy with Landen we bought our first house, Derek had an amazing job, and I got to stay at home with Jaxon. Then everything got all dark and twisty…Derek lost his job that paid really well a couple of months after we bought our house and he didn’t find another job easily. Everything going on caused a lot more stress and we came really close to not making our marriage work. We decided to give our house back and made it through…only to find out when Landen was 10 months old that we were pregnant….again. Enter Avery Grace, my little birth control baby.

In July of last year Derek and I decided that we had to do something to get on our feet financially. We were renting the perfect house for us, but it was out of our price range and we were falling. We packed up everything we had and put it in a storage unit. All five of us moved into ONE bedroom at Derek’s parent’s house. We filed bankruptcy. It was hell, but we were thankful to have a roof over our heads and to both have a job. We promised our kids that we would have our own house again by Christmas…and by the grace of God we were given keys to our new duplex on Christmas Eve. J Go figure..this place is now in foreclosure or bankruptcy…whichever our landlord officially decides on. My friends frequently tell me that I am the strongest person they know…and ask me all the time how I do it. My answer? I don’t have a choice. I am the mom…and moms are supposed to be the strong ones!

To sum it up, I’ve been to hell and back. Which brings me back to my weight. From being big when I was younger to losing it in one of the most irresponsible ways, and then gaining it all back and then some. At this point I don’t know where to start to lose it again. My life is consumed with taking care of my husband, who works his ass off to provide for us, and taking care of my three little blessings. Our budget is tight and I have no idea how to cook healthy foods. I am NOT making excuses. I am a stress eater…and I have been through a lot. That’s life. I DO take responsibilities for my actions. That being said, I realized that I have been so consumed with taking care of my marriage, my kids, my house, and trying to just make it that I forgot to put myself on the list. I hate my body. I hate it. Everything I do is difficult because I am “morbidly obese.” When I do have extra time I try to volunteer somewhere just to give back to a community that has helped us out so much…or I make crafts. People call me “artsy.” I say when you are ballin’ on a budget (ha!) it is a lot easier to make stuff yourself than buy it! I wonder…will I die while battling obesity before I can FULLY enjoy this life that God has handed me? My risks are high…and that is scary. Will I ever be able to go on a jog with my kids? Will I embarrass them? What’s even more scary is that I don’t know where to start to save my own life. It’s funny…people tell the all the time that I have “such a pretty face.” There is always that silent “but…” I rarely go out, but when I do I usually get stopped by at least one person who says “you are SO pretty.” Ugh…I don’t see it. It feels like what they are really doing is trying to make me feel good about something because I am the biggest girl in the room. I sometimes wonder if I would change decisions if I had the chance. I don’t think I would…I believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything. If I had made one different decision I would not be where I am today. I wouldn’t have my three beautiful kids. THEY are my reason for being on this earth. I am always the first person there when someone else needs a friend, and I will do anything for anyone. I feel like I have to, to make up for lost time. Maybe I don’t deserve a good life now…maybe I do. I’ve taken a few college courses, but going to school with three kids under the age of 5 is a lot…and of course funding is an issue. I hope one day I can be an example for others. There are a lot of other girls that will go through weight issues like I did….maybe even my own daughter. I hope that soon I can overcome my own battle with my weight. I am currently trying to obtain help from a positive weightloss show.The thing is, there is no weight loss surgery, no diet pills, just straight up hard work, dedication, and life style change. I can say this without conviction…I AM READY. They don't let you give up. I am truly in awe that someone could care that much about saving another person’s life. I am telling you, I am one of those people that NEEDS that kind of help. I would work my ass off. Not only would I work my ass off, when I was done and healthy I would turn around and help out kids that are struggling with their weight like I used to. I would pay it forward for sure. I can’t afford a personal trainer. I can’t..not with our tight budget.  There are probably a million people that want help from someone and I am just a fish in an ocean. I guess the only thing that I can do is put myself out there and pray. My mom is a gastric bypass patient. She tells me frequently that she wishes I could have that surgery. Do I want to? Heck no. She has had so many problems since surgery that its scary. I know some people are wondering…why don’t you just get out there and do it yourself. Long story…but to sum it up…I have tried. I just need more support to get myself to where I need to be. I am so discouraged at this point that it isn’t funny. If people can lose 200lbs in one year then I can lose 150. I know it. All people ever say is “go walking.” Um, ok…but I never feel like I have pushed myself to my full potential if I just walk. I understand that is better than nothing…but with my personality type I could easily, easily become addicted to the gym. I know this about myself. I just need to know where to start. So please, wish me luck on my quest for help y’all. Hopefully in the next year you will see me at my best!

K-